FoxyIsabel commented the other day while I paid her a visit, that I had changed a lot since she got pregnant. Her feedback was that I had somehow 'grown up' over the last few months and that I wasn't the same person I used to be. I was also more confident of who I was as a person. Coming from FoxyIsabel, it meant much to me and it must be a drastic change as she is not one to comment on something like this unless the change is obvious.
I held on to that idea that I had changed, somewhat agreeing and seeing that she was right in some way...untill today.
Today I lost my temper at someone when I shouldn't have. Me being me, I'm known to be bitchy when I want to and I can be very bitchy. And for this girl, it has been so since the start. A lot of times I thought to myself that this girl is probably hate this line of work because of me but I always told myself that what doesn't kill her only makes her stronger.
Today, I lost my temper and scolder her over the phone till she sounded like she was going to cry. At that point in time, I was dead pissed and didn't give a shit how she felt. All throughout lunch I remained pissed and angry. But as I drove back to the office, I started questioning myself as to the kind of person I've become and slowly becoming.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the kind of work that I do has made me even more cynical than I used to be. I've become edgy and easily irritated. I find that frowning has become part of my facial features. I find myself unconsciously frowning even when I'm driving and it worries me because I can see the frown line forming on my forehead. There's so much more that I've noticed about myself but I would be ranting.
I don't know who I am or who I'm becoming when I look into the mirror but today, I realized I didn't really like me very much. I'm afraid....
ps : I apologized to her.
It's one of those days again. It's the kind of day where I have no mood for work and wish I was in a far away land enjoying what the world has to offer. Wishing I earned more instead of earning peanuts. Wish I knew what I really wanted to do with life.
Chatting with another colleague of mine on this lazy Friday, I wished I was away even more. I wished I was somewhere quiet, like the lake, enjoying the breeze and the quietness.
This is depressing...I'm outta here
It has been a month since I last wrote anything here. The last I wrote was just an announcement of Baby Archie.
Yesterday marked Baby Archie's 1 month in this world and we threw a nice full moon party for him by the pool. Well it was for him even though he was sleeping most of the time and the adults were the ones really enjoying themselves.
Funny enough, as I was enjoying the evening breeze, NeighbourlyLeeLian popped a question that was running in my mind the whole time...Have you heard from Choon Yow? Yes, i had been thinking about him as I was cooking for dinner. I had been thinking about him as NeighbourlyLeeLian and I drove to FoxyIsabel's place and I had been thinking about him as I sat there enjoying the breeze.
There are days when he pops into my mind, it is especially so when I've said or done something that he has done or said before. I wanna hate him for being a coward but mostly I just miss his friendship.
That aside, nothing much has been going on. It's just work, training at the studio and the occasional going out which is rare. It sounds like I have no life but the 2 good things coming out from all this is that my fitness level is going up with my waking up every morning for a workout and also the visible results that I've lost quite a bit of weight *big grin*