I wouldn't count this as the worst day of my life because the worst day would always be finding out that my first love was into someone else. This day has been bad enough but I would tuck it away as a scar from yet another good fight. One not of faith but rather for love.He told me today that we had to stop flirting because he had started dating again. The simples words hit me like a slap and suddenly there I was, confessing that I had started to like him. I don't know what it was in that simple sentence of his that caused me to blurt my whole heart out. I've always told myself that I should always stay collected and stop trying to work hard for the relationship and here I was pouring out my feelings to him in the open. Oh how stupid I must have looked for a moment. But then again, we have our moments. I was not prepared for this and therefore found everything he said offensive and so I became defensive. Not the smartest way to stay collected but it happened. The details of the conversation I will leave out but the ending of the story was that I felt hurt and suddenly so vulnerable all over again. It was deja vu. The one part of the conversation that got to me most was when he said, "Did you really think that WE would work out?" My reply was that there was possibilities and that I believed that anything could happen. It wasn't so much the quesiton that got me but rather that way he asked it...it felt like he was sniggering at my thoughts. It hurt. It really did. Sigh...I've just become so tired of trying to work a relationship...my friends keep telling me I should just let it happen but i've been waiting for 2 years now and still I have not gotten a sign. I've just become so tired...tired of life, love and of being me...For once, just once, I would like to hear a guy say that I make his day and that I've fought the good fight of love...
A friend once told me that I should never worry about age because it's just a number. But what happens when the guy you like is 2 years your junior?! According to her, it's still just a number. It doens't matter how far the age diffeence is... it's still just a number that we can overcome.
But eversince I was a teenager, I've always had this principle that the guy that i dated would definitely have to be older than me. If he wasn't, I was to shoot myself. So where do you draw the line to age difference? Well, some girlfriends of mine find that they don't have a problem with age because according to them, it's the heart that counts. But there are also girls like me who want a man who is definitely older because of the experience that comes with age.
Oh, how we have been fooled to think that the older men get, the more mature they become. Well, for some men, that perception applies but there are men who seem to stay the way they are even as the number increases. Sigh...
I wanted to shoot myself when I found myself liking a younger guy and yes, the guy was my ex. I liked him. I really did. But maybe we were just meant to be friends and that is why our relationship never lasted. On top of that, he wasn't mature as I thought him to be. I just felt like I had to take care of him all the time. But when I fell in love with my first love, I thought that may be it just might work since he's older. But to my disappointment, he wasn't very much better. Ok, he was a lot better but yet, he made me feel like I was the kid in the relationship and that i was never good enough.
Now I'm starting to like this guy and it's worse...he's two years my junior!!! What am I to do? Ok, he's nice and really sweet sometimes. But he's still younger!!!! Well, I've thought about it. I can actually imagine us as a couple but then why am I torturing myself by thinking about it...sigh...Like my friend Elvy was saying, I've probably like him for a long time but it's only now that I'm letting myself look at him an it's like the fly in "A bugs life", his friend is saying don't go near the light but he's saying, "I can't help it, it's so pretty". ZAP!!! And he died. And that's exactly whats happening to me now. I can't help it because my feelings are just pulling me towards him.
The sad thing is...I can never tell him....
A month has passed and we're reaching the middle of February, how time flies. I was just beginning to try and fit into the new year and it has outrun me by a month...sigh...I thought that I would be able to secure a job by then but it seems that God may have other plans for me because up to date, I have only gone for two interviews. The first one was a disaster because the company was on borderline direct sales and that is definitely not what I want to do. The second interview was last week and it was at KOSE cosmetics. Well, I would really like it but the environement is just too Chinese conservative and me trying to fit in would be like cows jumping over the moon. Ok, it's not that bad but it's not the kind of environement that I would like to work in and plus, there are no men!!! It's true, there really are no men there. God, please help me find a job soon!!!