Time Will Heal

It has been almost a week since I saw the light to what I thought would be my happy ending...What my anonymous commentor said is true, my head tells me one thing and my heart says another.

It does help that I have been kept busy with work and with friends but my days aren't always filled with work and when I'm at my loneliest, he creeps into my mind. Most times, I think about good times. I think of the things he said to make me laugh, I think of times when he told me to get myself together and get through studying....then halfway down memory lane, I stop abruptly because I start to think of the many times he has left me outside. With all the thinking that I've been doing, I've come to realize that even though I may have hurt him, he has hurt me too. I mean, what was I suppsoe to do when he decided to go missing in action? Sit around and wait? One can only do that for a short period of time, after a while, it just seems like a more rational idea to move on and that's what I did, but of course to him, it was me running away.

It angers me that I have had to keep doing that in order for him to trust me but in the end, what do I get? A nice big heartbreak. No wonder I keep questioning myself as to what I've been doing wrong...but the thing is, I haven't been doing anything wrong...I have tried to prove that things can change and that people can change... but I get NOTHING!

Well, I've cried my fair share over the last few days but like Kelly Clarkson says in 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'...."you won't see the tears I cry..." Jack In The Box, you won't see the tears I cried anymore because you wouldn't know and because I'm not gonna let you see it.

I know I will get through. I will pick up the pieces. I will love again...but only as time sees fit because only time will heal...

Left Outside Alone

"Left Outside Alone" By Anastacia

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I
don't feel safe.. Ohhh..

Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breath can’t find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone I tell ya..

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray
Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There’s not much more to say
But I hope you find a way

Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone I tell ya..

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray

Ohhh. Pray... Ohh.. Heavenly father.. Please..Save me..

And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it’s cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone

All my life I’ve been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray...

Behind These Hazel Eyes

"Behind These Hazel Eyes" By Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Getting Through

I got comments from my recent update and I have to say that I shouldn't feel surprised by all the commentsI got about Jack In The Box. I know a lot of you have already been telling me for the longest time to just move on without him. I know I should have listened a long time ago but I guess sometimes we just have to learn it the hard way. To the anonymous person who sent me that long comment, thank you, you made me realize that I will get through this. I'm hoping you'll tell me who you are as you didn't leave a name...

To Jack In The Box...you have hurt me...but as a friend, I still care, always have...

WHY ME???

I feel as if my world is about to come down on me...I just found out from a friend that Jack In The Box changed his number! Better yet...I wasn't told. Not being told about it is still ok with me....but not getting an answer is getting the best of me.

I decided to call him just now to find out if it is for real that he has changed his number and here's what I got...The first time, he let it ring and ring until i got to voice mail..the second time, I got the voice mail straight away and the third time..(this is the heartbreaking part), a girl picks up and tells me I got the wrong number. Every part of me wants to scream out of anger and disappointment. What makes me even more heartbroken is that when I used the office phone to call, he picked up the phone.

My insides are tied in knots and I can't help but let the tears fall...What did I do? What did I do that was so wrong that he has to resort to this? Wasn't he the one who said that he still had feelings for me or was all that just a joke? Yes, I may have broken his heart before this and I may have broke it hard but I did apologize for my actions and I was sorry for it. Why punish me somemore? Why tell me how he felt about me? WHY? WHY? WHY?

The funny thing about all this is that even though I feel like I was slapped in the face...I can't help but still care...

Every part of me hurts and there isn't anything I can do right now to make it better. I'm not only screwed up when it comes to my career, even my love life is screwed up! WHY? Why me....

Cool

"Cool" By Gwen Stefani

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right
And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool

A Beautiful Wonder

The latest comment posted on my blog...."No new posts??"Haha.....Erin, I do apologize for not updating...but these past two weeks have been crazy for me.

Between the launch of this youth Cancer programme and other things happening, I have failed to find the time to sit down and put my thoughts down.

With the thought of unemployment in my head, I have found that I have slowly lost all optimism and confidence. I have stopped to question myself again and again about my self worth.

But a beautiful wonder happened to me on Friday (3/6/2005). As I finished with the launch and hurried home to pack for a mission trip to Johor, all I could think was "how am I going to survive the trip in my condition?" I didn't have enough sleep and my body was just crying exhaution. But I willed myself into church at 8pm for corporate prayer eventhough I was ready to drop. It's a good thing that I did....because here's what happened....

Amongst the group of youths present, I was the only one going to Johor, so I was called to be the representative for the group and was prayed for. When Aunty Raji, started to pray...there was total diversion...she didn't pray for the trip...she started praying for me personally...And this message came as she prayed for me.."Do not worry about your current situation. Just learn relax and leave everything to God."

When I heard that, I just stood there and tears started to form...I had never received such a message before...You're probably thinking that she gave me that message because she knows my situation...but mind you my dear friend, she has no idea that I'm having the problems that I'm having. I knew there and then that it was a personal message from God telling me to stop being a silly girl and to start trusting him.

Tears still well up each time I think of that message because it tells me that my heavenly Father is real and knows what I'm going through and that I'm not alone in this...

To all believers in Christ, if you are going through a rough patch in you life and you're starting to lose hope, just know that He is there.