Love, Life & Other Mysteries

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Saved By Grace

I've been through hell and back. The last few months have really been a test of perseverence for me. Over the last weekend, I dropped to a point so low that I was willing to give it all up and say goodbye to my troubles and the world. The only thing that kept me alive was the thought that if I ended my life, I would have committed the most sinful act on myself and I would never be able to meet my creator.
I thank God for that thought and I thank God for friends who reached out to me when I called for help. I may have pushed them to the edge as well but I am thankful that they stucked by me through it all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The one most beautiful thing I learnt about God through this experience is that He allows you to go to your lowest point in life because He wants you to lean on him and to trust Him that he knows best. Of course, I did not think of all this while I was at my lowest point. The only thought was "Why had He forsaken me?" We only learn the things we do when He pulls us out of our lowest. And that is what happened to me.
I was scheduled for an interivew with an advertising company on Monday. When I went in, the General Manager was frank with me and told me that he was already on the verge of confirming a candidate when my CV came in. He prayed about it and he said that something in him kept telling him to call me and he did. The rest of my interview is history. He offered me the job yesterday.
All this while, I have gone for countless interviews and I have not been able to secure anyone of them. Maybe it was God's way of telling me that the best is yet to come. And I think He's right. He made me wait so long, so that the right job will land in my hands.
I think the same goes for the life partner that I'm looking for. I've been through all the heartache but I do know now that the best is yet to come. So even when I'm at my lowest, I remember that God knows best and that he will provide the best.
To everyone who has been there for me one way or another, thank you. To those of you who are expereinceing hardship in your life, I know how you feel and I empathize with you but be assured that "All things work for good to those who love Him and are called according to His will."


Saturday, July 09, 2005

Losing Grip

It's been 7 months since I came out of college...And still I haven't found a job. I am still working part time with Cancerlink. I'm not working there because I want to, it's just for the money.
In the last 6 months, I have gone for countless interviews. For some companies, I have pulled through right until the very last interview and then at the 11th hour, I get turned down. I have sent in countless resumes and CV's to various companies but only to my disappointment.
All the friends that I know have been working and seem to be liking what they're doing...Just last night, when I sent a friend a message, she wrote back saying she loved her job to the max. Imagine how I felt when I got her reply. I'm happy for her, really, I am. But at the same time, I can't help but feel angry because I keep asking myself, "Why can't it be me?" Everyone else around me seems to have a steady job while I'm still out there looking. I feel screwed up! Everyone seems to be happy except me, I'm not happy at all. The exterior that you see is just a face. Deep down inside, I'm losing faith in myself and in everything else.
I feel alone. I have so many friends...but yet I feel so alone because they're all too busy....I sometimes think of calling them up so that I can let out some frustration...just as I'm about to dial their number, I hang up because I remember that they don't have time to hear me I just keep it in again. I mean no offence to my friends, but this is how I'm feeling right now.
I got an offer yesterday. I should be happy right? But the truth is, I'm not....I got a job offer for something that I'm not inerested to do...And I have to stay with the company for a year due to paying back for the training provided in Singapore. Everyone will probably say take it anyway to get the experience. But the thing is, what kind of experience am I gonna get from this chidlren's learning programme? How is it going to help me in the areas of writing for women's magazines or even in PR? How is it that I always seem to get these kinds of jobs????
God, you told me to trust you and to learn to relax, but I'm losing faith in you and I'm losing faith in myself. Please lift me up from all these burdening feelings....