Love, Life & Other Mysteries

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What Have I Become?

FoxyIsabel commented the other day while I paid her a visit, that I had changed a lot since she got pregnant. Her feedback was that I had somehow 'grown up' over the last few months and that I wasn't the same person I used to be. I was also more confident of who I was as a person. Coming from FoxyIsabel, it meant much to me and it must be a drastic change as she is not one to comment on something like this unless the change is obvious.

I held on to that idea that I had changed, somewhat agreeing and seeing that she was right in some way...untill today.

Today I lost my temper at someone when I shouldn't have. Me being me, I'm known to be bitchy when I want to and I can be very bitchy. And for this girl, it has been so since the start. A lot of times I thought to myself that this girl is probably hate this line of work because of me but I always told myself that what doesn't kill her only makes her stronger.

Today, I lost my temper and scolder her over the phone till she sounded like she was going to cry. At that point in time, I was dead pissed and didn't give a shit how she felt. All throughout lunch I remained pissed and angry. But as I drove back to the office, I started questioning myself as to the kind of person I've become and slowly becoming.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the kind of work that I do has made me even more cynical than I used to be. I've become edgy and easily irritated. I find that frowning has become part of my facial features. I find myself unconsciously frowning even when I'm driving and it worries me because I can see the frown line forming on my forehead. There's so much more that I've noticed about myself but I would be ranting.

I don't know who I am or who I'm becoming when I look into the mirror but today, I realized I didn't really like me very much. I'm afraid....

ps : I apologized to her.



Blogger Isabel G said...

Hey babe, take it easy on yourself! Self-awareness is the 1st step to becoming who U want to be become. U good.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Janning said...

yea i agree with isabel (the comment above mine). don't be afraid. we'll all go through that one day. be what you want to become. =) u can do it. we are all here supporting you, no matter what! =)

3:37 AM  

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