STOOD UP!

Just when you think that you're never gonna get a phone call from a certain person, this person surprises you. That's what happened to me and Jack In The Box. I have already given up hope that he would call me instead of me calling him...what's worse is that his phone's software has got problems so that diminishes the the hope of even getting a text message.

But at exactly 1.25 a.m. on Monday or should I Tuesday, my phone is ringing in my ears and I haven't heard it ring at that hour in a long time...checking to see who it is, I find that the number is a private one...just my luck. I answer, and guess who's voice should I hear...His...the only voice that can make me feel sexy while I"m half asleep. I awoke immediately.

His uncle was kind enough to loan the phone and the line to him and so he thought to call me. It had been ages since getting calls from him at that hour so I was excited. I felt the rush of a 15 year old girl having her first crush!

We talked, lots of emotions came up and things that I had been dying to say came out...I apologized for all the times I broke his heart and played him out and told him that nothing would be perfect but that he had my word that I wasn't gonna run this time. On his side, he confessed that he did think of me and that he cared but thanks to a certain girl by the name of Ms. B (which she was even at 17), he felt that he could never commit to another girl. And here I thought I had broke his heart bad but it looks like the girl he went out with after me was the one that screwed him up bad.

Anyway, we made plans to see each other the next day at 11 for a movie. I was thrilled. I had to keep reminding myself that I was 24 and not 15.

I got to the mall at 11, I waited, waited and waited. He never showed. I thought that maybe he woke up late or something and would be on the way...but 1 hour later, there was still no sign. I sat on those benches feeling angry, disappointed, jilted and most of all, like a fool. I wouldn't have felt that way if there was an explanation for not showing up. I mean, the least he could have done was call. If he cared, then why didn't he do it...so the mobile phone doesn't work...but there are payphones and house phones..so why was it so hard to even make a 5 minute call?

He still hasn't call to even apologize but that, I can live without...What I can't stand is that I'm worried sick about him. Maybe something happened to him that he coudln't get to a phone...Maybe he....There are a whole lot of maybe's that one could come up with but that's besides the point...the point is...he should have called to let me know that he's ok. It's the only right thing to do.

To anyone and everyone out there...never leave your loved ones wondering about your well being when you don't turn up as promised...have the courtesy to at least call and assure them that you're alright.

Live Twice

"Live Twice" by Darius

Don't leave now
Not yet
There were time we regret
And I'm sorry
Somehow I only
Wanted to make you proud

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice

When you told meI froze
It still echoes
In my soul
Please forgive me
If I didn't say
I love you
Every single day

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice

Nobody told me we'd only get one chance
I didn't know that our tide would turn so fast
Why we have to say goodbye I don't understand

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice

I could not let it pass me by
Nothing I give to sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
If only we could live twice
We'll meet in another life
If only we could live twice

Pillars Of Strength

I have always believed in the great power of encouragement that girl friends bring to you in your walk to becoming the person you're suppose to be. It doesn't matter where you've been, they are somehow the ones that can bring you back and make you feel loved at the end of the day. I am one to testify of these great friendships...

When it comes to love, I have seen my fair share and yes, there has been a point where I just wanted to throw it all in. I have gone from being an optimist to a pessimist...from hopeful to cynical. But I don't have any regrets whatsoever because I know these feelings and experiences are teaching me and painting the bigger picture of my life.

Just when I thought I wanted to give up, my dear friend Erin gives me this bookmark with the thought of the day by Maya Angelou. It said, "Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time". It has so much meaning to me because of what I've gone through. I will admit that I have wanted to give up, but just looking at this bookmark, I am encouraged to pick myself up again and give love just one more chance. I am ready to fight the good fight again...Erin, Thank you! To women who have lost faith in love, don't give up! You only have one life to live, so live it.

To the rest of my girl friends who have been my pillar of strength, you mean much to me and I am forever grateful that God created you and that our paths crossed.Thank you and I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Graduand of Class 2005 

My good friend Jon and myself...We graduated together 

Sulay (Public Speaking Lecturer), myself and Bill (Business Lecturer) 

This is with Jon's brother Solomon...some people need to smile!!! 

Stacey and me 

Mom,myself and dad  

Graduation Day - Yin Ee, Me, Cyn and Steph 

Since You've Been Gone

This is to First Love who became a Bad Love for me...I"m happier now...

"Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've Been Gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

'ME' Time

I went to the movies alone today. I've been meaning to catch up on my movies and since there's a new girl working in the shop, I haven't been called back to work and thought this would be my opportunity. I awoke this morning having seconds thoughts, but in the end, the movie won. I got dressed and made my way to the mall to catch the earliest movie so that I would have time to shop later. I got there in time to watch Hitch. Good movie...lots of laughs and lots of lessons for men when it comes to dating a woman. The most valuable lesson learnt is that we need to 'LISTEN' and 'PAY ATTENTION'.

My friend asked me how I could watch a movie all by my lonesome self...in reality, I don't find that the most appealing idea but I've come to like the fact that it is 'ME' time for me. It's a time for me to be alone with my thoughts. It's weird but I actually like the idea of walking into a cinema all by myself and sitting there with no one talking to me...it's just me and thoughts until the movie starts. What I like most is that it's really quiet because people usually tend to talk in hush tones once they're inside. It's weird...but it's nice...it's peaceful...it's just me and thoughts.

I like this 'ME' time...but today, sitting there all by myself, I felt alone. The loneliness was powerful. I looked around and found that there were mostly young couples...that made me feel even more alone. I was jobless and without someone to call my own. I suddenly felt that my life wasn't as fabulous as I thought it to be...I felt pathetic.

Don't get me wrong...I still like the idea of 'ME' time in the cinema...but today, it was a little different.

The Truth

The wait is just killing me....I've said and done all I could to make him see that this time, I'm not leaving and I'm not gonna run...But I guess I've hurt him too many times to let him trust me again...

Yes, is it true that I made him chase me for over a year before I agreed to go out with him. It is true that I didn't know what I wanted when I said yes to him. I was confused and I know that I should have never said yes in the first place...thing is, I wanted to see if the little feelings that I had for him were real. It was sorta like trying him on to see if he fit. Even on the day I broke up with Jack In The Box, I still wasn't sure what I felt for him. The one thing that I do know was that I was willing to give it a try with him because the truth is, I did like him. I did like him quite a lot. But it was my fault, I let him go when I had him.

It is true that every time First Love came back on the scene, I dropped everything I had to try and make it work with him. It was my fault...I don't deny it. I should have seen that First Love was never suppose to be the one to make me happy and that I was looking at the wrong guy the whole time...but I was blinded. I couldn't see that I was hurting someone else who loved me no matter what. He had loved me even when I was acting like a 'Monkey' as he called me. He had loved me when I cried my eyes over the most trivial things. He had loved me...

Don't get me wrong, I did like Jack In The Box....I did love him and I still do...and I only realized it when he was gone....truth is, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel right now...I wouldn't be sitting here writing about all this...I could have just pretended nothing ever happened but I'm writing this and I'm still waiting....

Truth is, we really never know what we've got till it's gone and sometimes, it may be too late....But I'm hoping that I'm not too late....

Truth is

"Truth Is" by Fantasia Barrino

Ran into an old friend yesterday
Caught me by surprise when he called my name
He was a familiar face, from a chapter in my past
Talked for a while, asked him how it's been
Said that he was seeing somebody and
Told me this was gonna last
Showing me her photograph

And all the feelings that I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you

We reminisce on the way things used to be
Shared a couple laughs, shared some memories
Talked about the things that changed
Some for good and some for bad
Then he said good-bye and he paid for lunch
Promised that we'd always keep in touch
Grabbed my bags and grabbed my thoughts, walked away and that was that

And all the feelings that I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you

Now the truth is it hurts but I know that the fault is mine
‘Cuz I let him go
Tried to get over it but it's messin' with my mind
(Because I know)

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in her shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love with you
I just gotta be honest, I guess, I-I guess, I’m still in love, in love, in love

Group picture courtesy of Cynthia...thanks girl!! 

Isabel & Cynthia 

Isabel getting jiggy with the music (by the way, she cut her own hair) 

Me and Chris...looks like someone had to much to drink... 

Cyn and Chris getting high after one drink!!! 

Chris - our lovely airstewardess!! 

Damaged

"Damaged" by TLC

I know I’m kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don’t always say, what’s on my mind
You know that I’ve been hurt, by some guy
But I don’t wanna mess up this time

[bridge]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you

[chorus]
My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don’t wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you’re all mine
I’m a little paranoid, from what I’ve been through
Don’t know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I’m kinda scared
Cos I don’t want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It’s nothing to you

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know that
I’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

My heart’s at a low
I’m so much to manage
I think you should know thatI’ve been damaged
I’m falling in love
There’s one disadvantage
I think you should know that I’ve been damaged

If I Ain't Got You

This goes out to the one man I have hurt too many times...Jack In The Box....I still love you...

"If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love him
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Most recent pic 

Overwhelming Sadness

The sadness is overwhelming...just as I thought that life would pick up from here on for the better, I'm hit with yet another curve ball. It's drawing closer but I don't know if I can hit it back out this time...

Friday night is still playing in my mind as I type the words out...he said all he had to say and the only thing I remember from it is that he still loves me...Jack In The Box..my Jack In The Box...he scolded me for all the years that I made him chase me like a dog and play him out by going back to First Love...said that no matter how hard he tried by going out with other girls, he couldn't erase me from his memory...I know he was scolding me but all I could hear was that he still cared even after everything I put him through.

On Monday, my lovely Precious died in the paws of stray dogs. If only we were at home to know what was going on. It was too bad that my tire had to punture on the way home and my parents had to come out and help. If we were at home, maybe she would still be here with us and making us laugh...I miss her so much and I can still see her where we found her, all cold and hard and she had this expression of distress on her face...It hurts me that she had to die like that...it just hurts

And it doesn't help that Jack In The Box is punishing me for the things that I've put him through...it is my fault because I really did play with his feelings and I will admit that I was a real B**** but I've come to realize my mistakes...I know it has taken me ages to see what my girl friends have been telling me about First Love but I have only begun to his him through clear lenses now and I'm regretfull that I treated Jack In The Box the way I did. I know that I don't deserve any kind of second chance from him but if only he knew that there was a part of me that always loved him..he must know that I have always loved him in one way or another...I never meant to run away everytime things got screwed up, it's just that I was confused with my feelings...I never meant to hurt him that way I have...I wanted to love him as much as he loved me...I have been confused for quite a long time and now I'm clear of who I want and he says he won't have me...The pain is just sucking me in and I cannot do anything about it because it is not for me to decide for him...I just need one more chance...I don't deserve it but I want to make it right...just one chance to love him as much as he has loved me...

April's Big Fool

I went to bed last night thinking today would be a good day. I had a long day ahead where I could just relax till the evening when I had dinner plans with some girl friends. I had a night chat with Jack In The Box and the went to sleep soundly.

This morning, everything was still fine till I got that phone call...I knew exactly who it would be and knew that my future lay ahead of me. I pick up the call that would determine my future and all I could was the guy telling that I was good but somebody else beat me to it. I just muttered a thank you and put down the phone. The feelings I had inside were just indescribable. I didn't know what to feel. Was it disappointment or just optimism for the near future. It just felt like a really bad April fool's joke and I was the FOOL!

I went to my room and I couldn't help but cry out to God 'why?' Wasn't this job good enough for me? Was there something better in store for me? I wanted to think not but maybe there would be.

I've felt depressed the whole day but I know that life must go on and I must not give up the good fight.