My Heart Aches

The song Insensitive by Jann Arden is playing in my head over and over again. I keep thinking of the chorus that says 'I should have known by the vagueness in your eyes and casual goodbyes..' If only I could feel that way and not bother about what he thinks...

Just as I'm nursing the bruised heart of mine, First Love reappears...We're suppose to go on a recce trip for a camp and just a few days before the trip, he calls me and talks to me like everything is alright between us...the thing is, I haven't talked to him in months due to the fact that I've just become so tired of talking to him. I have missed him but life has been a lot more peaceful without me having to think of whether I'm fine.

The trip ended up ok but my insides were tied up in knots...He didn't have to tell me that he was back together with her but during that trip, I saw all the wrong signals. I saw it as an opportunity for me but yet..at the end of it...I came back feeling even more alone. What's worse is that he tells me I need help...That felt like a slap.

First Love, to me, will always be the man that I loved most...even though we did talk about certain things about us, I couldn't get up the courage to tell him the truth about how much I hated him. I hated him for the times I ended up alone. I hate him for playing with my feelings when he knew very well that I had a soft spot for him. I hate him for the things that he's said to me in the past. I hate the fact that he makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. I hate the fact that he makes her sound so perfect. I hate the fact that I will never be good enough for him. It hurts...and it hurts bad..

I listen to myself talk about him and no matter how many times I say I'm not gonna let this shit get to me anymore, I only fool myself because it happens all over again. Maybe I'm just masochistic that I want to feel the hurt that he causes me. Maybe I'm just glutton for punishment. Maybe I've become so addicted to the pain that I need it to feel human...to show myself that I can get through this...to show myself that I'm strong enough to live without him.

Is it worth it?? I know the answer...I can even say that it's not worth it...that he's not worth it but yet I let it happen...And again at this point...I question myself why...