Love, Life & Other Mysteries

Monday, September 25, 2006

Cheating Below The Line

Today is not going so well. I wanted it to but it's not. My heart aches even though I know I've done all that I could. At least I think so.

I have an issue with a friend. I won't say his name for confidentiality reasons but what I argued with him today, I cannot put out of my mind.

This friend of mine is currently single. He broke up with his girlfriend about 3 months or so. According to him, the break up was not their fault. To a certain extent, I agree because her father didn't really like him. They have remained friends ever since.

But here's the catch, she's getting married soon. Her engagement was not too long ago. He says that he's accepted the fact and is moving on. Here's the even bigger catch....she still calls, she still sends him messages, she gets him to call her in the morning, she still holds on to the supplementary line he gave her! (which he says she's giving back after I asked him to ask her for it)

Is there something wrong with the picture?

To me, there is something terribly wrong with the picture! Here's how I see this. If you are to be someone else's wife, then let go of your ex and prepare to be your future husband's wife. Why continue to have such a loving relationship with your ex-boyfriend when you know you cannot have him anymore. Yes, its painful to let go because neither one of you wanted to but you have to let him go. By doing what you're doing, you're holding him back. And it shows that you still love him very much and you're doing anything you can to keep him to you even if it means just making nite calls to him. To me, that's being bloody selfish!

To him, he feels that they're not doing anything wrong as he says they have accepted the reality of it and have both moved on. And so talking on the phone and all that is ok.

To me, doesn't that mean cheating below the line? You're starting out a new relationship with someone else but you're still calling you ex-boyfriend every other day. That's just you wanting the best of both worlds!

So now, this guy and I have had an argument about this. He is still adamant that they are not doing anything wrong. And I am upset over all this because I've been in that situation before and this friend matters a lot to me.

To this friend: you are my friend and I do love you but I cannot stand here and just watch you hold on to the past...to something you were not meant to have. It's too painful for me...

Could someone please shed some light on this...

--------------------oOo--------------------

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello drea darling! :)
ok.. this is truly a loveBITE! grr.. not that i'm gonna judge your poor fren but here's something... He's gotta deal with his EX.. that's it.. nuff said..

Unattach himself.. mind you.. i don't mean to say that he has to totally cut off with her.. heck, he still can be friends.. but since she's REALLY moving on (engagement), then please, just unattach from being too close related to her... it only makes thing hard in future as misunderstanding are BOUND to OCCUR! wouldn't wanna be the cause of another hurtful endeavor now would we? oh, best to get the suplementary line back too.. why bother paying for her when someone else is gonna take care of her daily usage and expenses?

bottom line : unattach yourself from your ex cuz you'll find yourself a better one.. your EX.. isn't the ONE... if she was, she would have waited and not jumped into that commitment with another man.. good grief..

my 2 cents
::anonymous::

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey babes,

i truly agree with what "anonymous" said. your fren & his ex have not let go of each other...i mean hell, i wouldn't be surprised if she called off the engagement & they hooked up again! if I was her, i'd get my own mobile line, cos i'm moving on. it's ok to remain friends but i wouldn't call my ex frequently...it's so clingy.

If your friend says he's moved on, then he's got to mean it...DON'T take her calls! Easy peasy. C'mon, be a MAN.

I dont't want to see you get hurt again babes. You can help your friend move on but just don't let your heart rule you...yet.

*muaks* Pearly Pearls

2:34 PM  
Blogger picibel said...

Hi andrea,
I suppose if any amount of talk doesn't drill into both parties, I would bring everything out in the light. Let the other guy know whats happening. Let the parents know. whatever; i don't even bother asking for heir consent on the whole thing; because if its of a noble nature, why keep a hush? Nothing can destroy a heart more than a failed marriage.

Both of them are blinded, & too coward to face the own hurts of their failed relationship. The "just friends" thing is rubbish. many people don't understand that "doing nothing" is part of the healing process.

I symphatize that it wasn't because of their relationship per-se that caused their breakup; but that shouldn't be an excuse. The girl ain't ready for marriage, & the guy ain't ready to lead the girl to walk the right steps for her to move on.

^_^ All the best, Andrea. Takes boldness to love a friend enough to dare to risk hurting them. May His grace be with you to lead you & guide you.

3:22 PM  
Blogger twentyfivecents said...

hmm... a tough decision indeed. For fair judgement, have to hear both sides of their stories. Perhaps they are genuine friends after all. Have several friends who're in a similar relationship.

kev

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to her:
what about faithfulness to your future husband?
what about being truly devoted?
your 'gestures' are a little too intimate for the term friends.
redefine, 'moved on'.

to him:
there's so much more than this.
really.
being hurt once, stings.
twice the pain can be nasty.
do you realize what you're letting yourself into?
it's time to come out of this and stare at this questionable situation to realize that, something, really, is wrong.

5:22 PM  
Blogger JosieJeremiah said...

Humans are complicated being. Saying so, I feel that these two individuals are either selfish, holding on to something they would never have or they are plainly still in love. My advice is, this is their issue and the more you try to ‘help’, the more you will be hurt as he would only see you as the middle person trying to ruin a beautifully painted picture. Tell him once; the rest is his decision to make. If it is a bad one, be there to support but do not say ‘I told you so’.

6:05 PM  
Blogger HobbiT said...

Hey, sweetie.
Looks like things have heated up since we last spoke! Hehe... I'm sorry things have come to this point. But anyway, abt my opinion?
Well, the first thing I would ask is how long were they dating? If it was a long time (i.e. 2-3 years?), then maybe it's more difficult to let go than you think. Definitely, both of them haven't let go. I'm not surprised, since it's been a mere 3 months since they broke up, so I'm willing to give them a break. I mean, I don't know abt all the other ladies out there, but I sure take a damn long time to get over someone I loved.
She's using his supplementary line, but does that mean he's paying for her? I doubt so, but I could be mistaken. I'm confused abt these thingies. If she is, then I think there's definitely something wrong.
I totally think this girl is not ready for marriage. Is it an arranged or a "love" marriage? Maybe she has no say.
And maybe your friend is also very happy to leave things the way they are. Maybe they're each holding out for one another. Hoping for a miracle. Or maybe they're hoping that after one gets married, this whole problem will blow away. But it won't. And both your friend and this girl need to REALIZE that. You can know it in your head, but when it comes to matters of the heart, it's difficult to overcome. You must be kind in telling him this, because there is incongruence between his head and heart.
The simplest solution, would of course be for your friend to distance himself from his ex. But perhaps they fear that their friendship will be totally lost from then on. Maybe they're so comfortable with each other that they've forgotten what it's like to be "just friends" already.
It's hard for me to "judge" this girl because I know so little of her engagement and her circumstances, but it does seem as if she's not willing to move on from her past relationship. Let alone a life commitment as serious as marriage.
Lastly, my advice to you, dear andrea. You have to respect your friend's choices. You can only let him know what are the consequences of his actions, but you cannot control what he chooses to do. If he has to learn the hard way, then that's too bad. But like what sharmu said. No matter what his decision is, let him know that you will be there for him. Don't punish him if he makes what we believe to be the "wrong" ones. He will have to learn from making his own mistakes. And it doesn't mean that you and him can't be friends anyway.
We always hurt when we see ppl we care about hurt themselves unnecessarily. But I guess you just gotta be there when they need someone to help them up.
Love you, babe.

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm..story sounds familiar! anyway, i won't exactly say what the guys is doing now is WRONG. i mean..ok, from our point of view we may think something is still going on but maybe they really are just good friends? the things is i don't really know whats going on in their hearts. only they themselves really know whether they have let go of each other. if they want to continue lying to themselves..then it's terrible. but if they know what they're doing, then it's ok. and oh my! of course he should take back the number! i don't have to explain why. i think we all know. it's DUH! they can continue being close friends but know their limits. she's getting MARRIED! not just having another new boyfriend or anything like that. if both are still having feelings for each other..and if they cannot control themselves..and cannot let go..the best way is to keep a distance from each other. no talks. no conversations. no meeting up. sad. hurts. sucks. yea, but they have to learn to let go cuz she's getting MARRIED. unless they are really...JUST friends..good friends maybe..as long as they REALLY dont have any feelings for each other..THEN they can continue being friends. but one thing's for sure..the feelings must be gone soon! and it takes both parties to let go! don't fight with him. explain it to him properly. let him know you're doing that cuz you really care for him. if you didn't care for him you wouldn't have even bothered! but..better be hurt a little now than to be hurt much worse later on! i'm sure they don't want to learn the hard way! hope all goes well..especially between you and him. don't be too harsh on him too..a friend is what he needs at this point of time..and you are the one. so, all the best girl! =) *hugs*

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Andrea,

Where shall I start...first, I think you should not get yourself involve with his past relationship; second, you should not be upset about it if he is asking your opinion. You could use this opportunity to get close to him instead use it to agaist him.

Your focus is him, not his past.

Always remember, when it comes to gal-boy issues, be cool.

ciao,
iz

12:15 PM  

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