It has been almost a week since I saw the light to what I thought would be my happy ending...What my anonymous commentor said is true, my head tells me one thing and my heart says another.
It does help that I have been kept busy with work and with friends but my days aren't always filled with work and when I'm at my loneliest, he creeps into my mind. Most times, I think about good times. I think of the things he said to make me laugh, I think of times when he told me to get myself together and get through studying....then halfway down memory lane, I stop abruptly because I start to think of the many times he has left me outside. With all the thinking that I've been doing, I've come to realize that even though I may have hurt him, he has hurt me too. I mean, what was I suppsoe to do when he decided to go missing in action? Sit around and wait? One can only do that for a short period of time, after a while, it just seems like a more rational idea to move on and that's what I did, but of course to him, it was me running away.
It angers me that I have had to keep doing that in order for him to trust me but in the end, what do I get? A nice big heartbreak. No wonder I keep questioning myself as to what I've been doing wrong...but the thing is, I haven't been doing anything wrong...I have tried to prove that things can change and that people can change... but I get NOTHING!
Well, I've cried my fair share over the last few days but like Kelly Clarkson says in 'Behind These Hazel Eyes'...."you won't see the tears I cry..." Jack In The Box, you won't see the tears I cried anymore because you wouldn't know and because I'm not gonna let you see it.
I know I will get through. I will pick up the pieces. I will love again...but only as time sees fit because only time will heal...
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"Left Outside Alone" By AnastaciaAll my life I’ve been waiting For you to bring a fairy tale my way Been living in a fantasy without meaning It’s not okay I don’t feel safe Idon't feel safe.. Ohhh.. Left broken empty in despair Wanna breath can’t find air Thought you were sent from up above But you and me never had love So much more I have to say Help me find a way And I wonder if you know How it really feels To be left outside alone When it’s cold out here Well maybe you should know Just how it feels To be left outside alone To be left outside alone I tell ya.. All my life I’ve been waiting For you to bring a fairytale my way Been living in a fantasy without meaning It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray Why do you play me like a game? Always someone else to blame Careless, helpless little man Someday you might understand There’s not much more to say But I hope you find a way Still I wonder if you know How it really feels To be left outside alone When it’s cold out here Well maybe you should know Just how it feels To be left outside alone To be left outside alone I tell ya.. All my life I’ve been waiting For you to bring a fairytale my way Been living in a fantasy without meaning It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray Ohhh. Pray... Ohh.. Heavenly father.. Please..Save me.. And I wonder if you know How it really feels To be left outside alone When it’s cold out here Well maybe you should know Just how it feels To be left outside alone To be left outside alone All my life I’ve been waiting For you to bring a fairytale my way Been living in a fantasy without meaning It’s not okay I don’t feel safe I need to pray...
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"Behind These Hazel Eyes" By Kelly ClarksonSeems like just yesterdayYou were a part of meI used to stand so tallI used to be so strongYour arms around me tightEverything, it felt so rightUnbreakable, like nothin' could go wrongNow I can't breatheNo, I can't sleepI'm barely hanging onHere I am, once againI'm torn into piecesCan't deny it, can't pretendJust thought you were the oneBroken up, deep insideBut you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyesI told you everythingOpened up and let you inYou made me feel alrightFor once in my lifeNow all that's left of meIs what I pretend to beSo together, but so broken up inside'Cause I can't breatheNo, I can't sleepI'm barely hangin' onHere I am, once againI'm torn into piecesCan't deny it, can't pretendJust thought you were the oneBroken up, deep insideBut you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyesSwallow me then spit me outFor hating you, I blame myselfSeeing you it kills me nowNo, I don't cry on the outsideAnymore...Here I am, once againI'm torn into piecesCan't deny it, can't pretendJust thought you were the oneBroken up, deep insideBut you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyesHere I am, once againI'm torn into piecesCan't deny it, can't pretendJust thought you were the oneBroken up, deep insideBut you won't get to see the tears I cryBehind these hazel eyes
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I got comments from my recent update and I have to say that I shouldn't feel surprised by all the commentsI got about Jack In The Box. I know a lot of you have already been telling me for the longest time to just move on without him. I know I should have listened a long time ago but I guess sometimes we just have to learn it the hard way. To the anonymous person who sent me that long comment, thank you, you made me realize that I will get through this. I'm hoping you'll tell me who you are as you didn't leave a name...
To Jack In The Box...you have hurt me...but as a friend, I still care, always have...
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I feel as if my world is about to come down on me...I just found out from a friend that Jack In The Box changed his number! Better yet...I wasn't told. Not being told about it is still ok with me....but not getting an answer is getting the best of me.
I decided to call him just now to find out if it is for real that he has changed his number and here's what I got...The first time, he let it ring and ring until i got to voice mail..the second time, I got the voice mail straight away and the third time..(this is the heartbreaking part), a girl picks up and tells me I got the wrong number. Every part of me wants to scream out of anger and disappointment. What makes me even more heartbroken is that when I used the office phone to call, he picked up the phone.
My insides are tied in knots and I can't help but let the tears fall...What did I do? What did I do that was so wrong that he has to resort to this? Wasn't he the one who said that he still had feelings for me or was all that just a joke? Yes, I may have broken his heart before this and I may have broke it hard but I did apologize for my actions and I was sorry for it. Why punish me somemore? Why tell me how he felt about me? WHY? WHY? WHY?
The funny thing about all this is that even though I feel like I was slapped in the face...I can't help but still care...
Every part of me hurts and there isn't anything I can do right now to make it better. I'm not only screwed up when it comes to my career, even my love life is screwed up! WHY? Why me....
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"Cool" By Gwen StefaniIt's hard to remember how it felt beforeNow I found the love of my life...Passes things get more comfortableEverything is going rightAnd after all the obstaclesIt's good to see you now with someone elseAnd it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friendsAfter all that we've been throughI know we're coolWe used to think it was impossibleNow you call me by my new last nameMemories seem like so long agoTime always kills the painRemember Harbor BoulevardThe dreaming days where the mess was madeLook how all the kids have grownWe have changed but we're still the sameAfter all that we've been throughI know we're cool And I'll be happy for youIf you can be happy for meCircles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriendSo far from where we've beenI know we're cool
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The latest comment posted on my blog...."No new posts??"Haha.....Erin, I do apologize for not updating...but these past two weeks have been crazy for me.
Between the launch of this youth Cancer programme and other things happening, I have failed to find the time to sit down and put my thoughts down.
With the thought of unemployment in my head, I have found that I have slowly lost all optimism and confidence. I have stopped to question myself again and again about my self worth.
But a beautiful wonder happened to me on Friday (3/6/2005). As I finished with the launch and hurried home to pack for a mission trip to Johor, all I could think was "how am I going to survive the trip in my condition?" I didn't have enough sleep and my body was just crying exhaution. But I willed myself into church at 8pm for corporate prayer eventhough I was ready to drop. It's a good thing that I did....because here's what happened....
Amongst the group of youths present, I was the only one going to Johor, so I was called to be the representative for the group and was prayed for. When Aunty Raji, started to pray...there was total diversion...she didn't pray for the trip...she started praying for me personally...And this message came as she prayed for me.."Do not worry about your current situation. Just learn relax and leave everything to God."
When I heard that, I just stood there and tears started to form...I had never received such a message before...You're probably thinking that she gave me that message because she knows my situation...but mind you my dear friend, she has no idea that I'm having the problems that I'm having. I knew there and then that it was a personal message from God telling me to stop being a silly girl and to start trusting him.
Tears still well up each time I think of that message because it tells me that my heavenly Father is real and knows what I'm going through and that I'm not alone in this...
To all believers in Christ, if you are going through a rough patch in you life and you're starting to lose hope, just know that He is there.
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