Overwhelming Sadness

The sadness is overwhelming...just as I thought that life would pick up from here on for the better, I'm hit with yet another curve ball. It's drawing closer but I don't know if I can hit it back out this time...

Friday night is still playing in my mind as I type the words out...he said all he had to say and the only thing I remember from it is that he still loves me...Jack In The Box..my Jack In The Box...he scolded me for all the years that I made him chase me like a dog and play him out by going back to First Love...said that no matter how hard he tried by going out with other girls, he couldn't erase me from his memory...I know he was scolding me but all I could hear was that he still cared even after everything I put him through.

On Monday, my lovely Precious died in the paws of stray dogs. If only we were at home to know what was going on. It was too bad that my tire had to punture on the way home and my parents had to come out and help. If we were at home, maybe she would still be here with us and making us laugh...I miss her so much and I can still see her where we found her, all cold and hard and she had this expression of distress on her face...It hurts me that she had to die like that...it just hurts

And it doesn't help that Jack In The Box is punishing me for the things that I've put him through...it is my fault because I really did play with his feelings and I will admit that I was a real B**** but I've come to realize my mistakes...I know it has taken me ages to see what my girl friends have been telling me about First Love but I have only begun to his him through clear lenses now and I'm regretfull that I treated Jack In The Box the way I did. I know that I don't deserve any kind of second chance from him but if only he knew that there was a part of me that always loved him..he must know that I have always loved him in one way or another...I never meant to run away everytime things got screwed up, it's just that I was confused with my feelings...I never meant to hurt him that way I have...I wanted to love him as much as he loved me...I have been confused for quite a long time and now I'm clear of who I want and he says he won't have me...The pain is just sucking me in and I cannot do anything about it because it is not for me to decide for him...I just need one more chance...I don't deserve it but I want to make it right...just one chance to love him as much as he has loved me...