Every Season

"Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice you
When change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you
And how you make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be
As you are recreating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

Jack In The Box Is Back!!!

He sent me a message! Jack In The Box sent a message saying that he has read my email and assured that everything was cool between us...I just couldn't believe it! I suddenly felt like a school girl experiencing her first crush and you feel all jittery and tingly all over.

I've missed him over the months...I've missed the laughter that we shared as friends and I long for those days to replay. But I know they won't and I must accept things the way they are now. In reality, I know that we're just friends and that's what we'll probably be. Its just good to hear from him again and that I don't have to live with the feeling that I've messed up a friendship.

My Cats

I used to have dogs but then when the last one died a long time back, my mom said 'no more!' So that was the end of of having pets...so I thought. Along the way, I pestered my parents asking them if we could keep fish or even hamsters. But the answer was always 'No'. Though we weren't allowed to have pets anymore, my house was always like the SPCA, cats and dogs always ended up in our house before moving on to another owner.

Then one fine day, I found a kitty under my dad's car. As usual, SPCA was on duty to find a home for this kitty but this kitty never left...he stayed and we named him Troy. But sadly enough, after a year, he went out one day and never came home. It was sad for all of us...

Then a few days after Chinese New Year two years ago, we were at the mamak having dinner and there was this little kitty, my dad got hooked. And my dad is NOT the sort of person who likes cats. But amazingly, he was the one who asked my mom if we could keep it =) And so this little kitty came home and was named Tuffy. About a year ago, a mother cat came to our house and gave birth to three kittens. One of the siblings went to my darling friends Isabel and Al. The other two, insisted by my dad, became ours. We named the mother, May, because she came in May. The only boy became Brown (aka Charlie Brown) and the black little girl became Precious because she was my precious.

Why am I talking about cats?? Well, I feel that even though dogs are considered man's best friend, they don't really have personalities. Cats do. And I'll tell you from experience.

Tuffy (the prince of the house) is the really smart. He is totally human in a cats body. He throws tantrums when he's not in a good mood. He talks back when you talk to him. If he's thirsty, he'll call and he doesn't drink like any other animal, he has to drink from the tap in the bathroom. And just like a baby who needs a pacifier to go to sleep, he sucks on his tail.

May is the mama who sleeps outside because she and the prince cannot get along. But she's a darling...She keeps quiet most of the time and knows just when to come to you for some love. Hates to be carried but loves a cuddlewhen she wants it.

Brown is a real follower. From the time he was a little kitten, he would try and follow Tuffy wherever and try the things that Tuffy does. And when Tuffy bullies him, he just lies there as if in submission to being bullied. Sometimes I think he's really not man enough...But he's my dad's favorite.

Precious...now that is one darling... she's pretends to act scared most of the time...She'll hide in corners just so that you can't see her. She's sneaky as hell....pounces on Tuffy and Brown when they least expect it. Another one that likes to cuddle but only when she wants it...She's a little like Tuffy...she answqrs back when you talk to her...But most of the time, she's a loner.

The reason for this entry is because if you think that cats are just another animal, think again...

Meet My Friend Cynicism

Cynicism...a word that I am awfully acquainted with for the last few years of my life. I was once an optimistic person...always picking up the pieces each time I fell...It was as if life could throw me as many hard balls as possibles but I would still be able to hit it back. I was never one to give up and I still am not, but yet, I have given up the optimism and opted for cynicism.

Cynicism helps me to stay in reality of things. I am awfully imaginative and my mind wonders at the slightest optimism and this of course, has gotten me into much problems with myself. There were a lot of times when I was just disappointed and the only person I could blame was myself. Cynicism, however, keeps me grounded and I tend to look at things with a pinch of salt. Salt that is just enough to give it taste but not rub too deep into the wound.

I remember watching Miss Congeniality and Sandra Bullock asked that gay trainer of hers why he was always angry and his reply was that it suited him and it fitted him. In my case, I would have to say that cynicism is like the perfect outfit for me. It fits me like glove...I think...

Wish I could still say that optimism best fits me but then with all the falling down that I've been doing, I can hardly consider optimism my best friend anymore. If only there was a way for me to leave memories behind...

U.N.E.M.P.L.O.Y.E.D

I'm unemployed...there I said it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm unemployed! I'm not proud of it and wish I wasn't but it is a fact that I must come to terms with. I must admit that unlike my friends, I have been choosy with the companies that I apply to...I'm not saying that they're not choosy but just not like me...(no pun intended my friends).

I always had in mind a good company that I can grow up in. Somewhere good where my abilities can expand. But of course, in wanting a good company, I failed to realise that most times, experience is needed and I, a fresh grad, have NONE!

I am still working in this hell hole we call 1 Utama. Yes, that's right...the mall. I am still working for the boss who gave me a job when I needed one badly. I could have left a long time ago like my friend Cynthia. As a matter of fact, I actually resigned in January. So why am I still working here? It is out of sympathy and empathy for a boss that has become more of a friend to me. The one thing I like about her is that we can talk and we talk about lots of things...we talk about our relationships and even family. I could have just walked out and look for another part time job somewhere but I know deep down, there will not be another boss like her. So that's one of the reasons for sticking around. I'm tired of the job but at least I'm getting money to suppor myself.

I know that God has plans for me and I know that in His time, he will grant me the job that is most perfect for me. In the mean time, I just have to wait and learn to lean on him, depend on Him and trust him.

Something Amiss

The other day, I got a message on my friendster from this guy and we shall call him Sunny. He wanted to get to know me and even said he thought I was hot. Ha! That was my first response. I usually don't even entertain these types of messages but it was his straight forward pick up line that got the better of me. My response to him was that I wanted some kind of politeness. Our smarty pants asnwered that he was just being straightforward. My shoot down was that I liked straightforwardness but that manners was also important.

To cut the story short, he wanted a fling and to be honest...I'm not that type of girl...i dig the whole old fashion courting. So we decided to be friends. So I thought...

H still tried to push his luck with the whole fling thing and at one point, I was quite tempted and said that he should give me a call. His answer was that he wanted to call me in the middle of the night because he wanted to hear my voice when I was half asleep.

Those words made me freeze on the spot because there was only one guy allowed to say this and that was my Jack In The Box, my second love. I always remember him purposely calling me at 2 am while I was dead to the world because he always said that I sounded sexy in my half asleep voice. He used to say that I sounded like a cat purring when I said 'Uhm' in agreement to him while half asleep.

The thing is, when Sunny said it...I was turned off and didn't even want to think of him as anything else...because to me, Jack In The Box was the only one who had the right to tell me that. Only he could make me feel sexy...First Love will always be my first love, but Jack In The Box....he will always put a smile on my face when I think of our happy times...He left me...He thinks I don't care anymore...But I do and I always have...just didn't realise what I had till it was gone...To him whom I've hurt....I miss you, I still love you and more importantly, I'm trully sorry...

My Heart Aches

The song Insensitive by Jann Arden is playing in my head over and over again. I keep thinking of the chorus that says 'I should have known by the vagueness in your eyes and casual goodbyes..' If only I could feel that way and not bother about what he thinks...

Just as I'm nursing the bruised heart of mine, First Love reappears...We're suppose to go on a recce trip for a camp and just a few days before the trip, he calls me and talks to me like everything is alright between us...the thing is, I haven't talked to him in months due to the fact that I've just become so tired of talking to him. I have missed him but life has been a lot more peaceful without me having to think of whether I'm fine.

The trip ended up ok but my insides were tied up in knots...He didn't have to tell me that he was back together with her but during that trip, I saw all the wrong signals. I saw it as an opportunity for me but yet..at the end of it...I came back feeling even more alone. What's worse is that he tells me I need help...That felt like a slap.

First Love, to me, will always be the man that I loved most...even though we did talk about certain things about us, I couldn't get up the courage to tell him the truth about how much I hated him. I hated him for the times I ended up alone. I hate him for playing with my feelings when he knew very well that I had a soft spot for him. I hate him for the things that he's said to me in the past. I hate the fact that he makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. I hate the fact that he makes her sound so perfect. I hate the fact that I will never be good enough for him. It hurts...and it hurts bad..

I listen to myself talk about him and no matter how many times I say I'm not gonna let this shit get to me anymore, I only fool myself because it happens all over again. Maybe I'm just masochistic that I want to feel the hurt that he causes me. Maybe I'm just glutton for punishment. Maybe I've become so addicted to the pain that I need it to feel human...to show myself that I can get through this...to show myself that I'm strong enough to live without him.

Is it worth it?? I know the answer...I can even say that it's not worth it...that he's not worth it but yet I let it happen...And again at this point...I question myself why...